We’ve all the heard the adage that familiarity breeds contempt; it’s sure not an adage that we like applying to our love relationships. But my guess is you’ve never been in a pandemic with your partner before. Sheltered at home, working together, living together, day and night with most likely tons of fear and uncertainty as the sky has been falling. What do we do when we feel irritated and triggered by our partner as we traverse these unknown times?

 

One of the things I’m big on, as my couples will tell you, is getting to a zero tolerance for expressing irritation with each other. Those looks, sighs, irritated tones, usually over small things, are a major pollutant in our relationships. Sort of like throwing beer cans and trash in the garden, and pretty soon no one wants to hang out there.

I grew up in a home where the culture was that small things were nothing to get upset over. Both my parents were Holocaust survivors, and my mom’s response any time one of us broke something, spilled something, or had an accident was the same - she’d say with a sweet smile and kind eyes, “Mazel Tov!” That’s the Yiddish phrase for congratulations. It was her way of saying, “This no big deal.” And I saw her test my dad that way, so that’s the movie I watched growing up. And so that’s how I am at home with my husband. Until the corona virus hit.

We were getting ready for a zoom happy hour, and in rushing around to set things up, he broke one of my favorite accessories that I decorate with. And I was not calm, and I was not happy during Happy Hour. And of course, even though I tell my clients to practice kindness towards whatever they’re noticing coming up in them, I was also horrified with myself. People are dying, first responders are on the front lines day and night, and I’m upset about glass bottle from Z Gallerie? It’s what the Buddhist teacher Tara Brach calls the first arrow and the second arrow- the first arrow is a catalyst, an incident; the second arrow is how we turn against ourselves when we notice our reaction. The true definition of a double whammy.

And all of that made me realize what a tough moment we are all in. There is a collective grief, fear, uncertainty. Everything is heightened. Which returned me once more to the Holocaust and the words of psychoanalyst and survivor Victor Frankl, who came out of the concentration camp with this message, “The only thing we have power over is our attitude.”

So how do we do that when we are with our partner right now, in a world we’ve never known before? I always go back to the main secret - that we have to talk and act in a way that is different from how we are feeling in the moment. And I go to the teachings of my Imago training, and that of brain researcher Dr. Steven Stosny. He says that we have to learn the difference between toddler brain and adult brain.

When we are in toddler brain, we act out - there is no space between what we feel and how we respond. We blame, deny, and avoid. When we are in adult brain, we are able to wait, contain, or speak in ways that are kind, that make things better, and here is the key, we have to, and can do it, at the moment our partner might be in their toddler brain. Usually if our partner is in toddler brain, we immediately respond from toddler brain and then we’re off and running.

What we need to be able to do is respond from our adult brain, which always goes to connecting, improving things, even and especially at the moments our partner has a fall from grace. Many people are suggesting things we might do at this time of sheltering in place that could be of personal benefit. Learn a new language, read those books, work out online etc. But here is something else you could do - learn how to talk and act from the part of you that protects your partner and makes you feel more valuable; because no one feels good when they’ve acted badl

Write a list of all the things your partner does that irritates you; in the column next to it, write all your toddler brain reactive responses you normally have. In the 3rd column, write all the things you could do or say that would be coming from a kind, compassionate, wanting to make things better place. And study this all day long, rehearse in your mind, until you know exactly what to say (or not say) in those moments.

Of course we’re going to fall from grace, and there needs to be self-compassion for that. And these ARE extraordinary times. But with all the uncertainty going on, and not a lot of control, this is one place we really do have much more control than we ever thought we could have. And it might just make us turn our momentary desert island into a romantic, fun one!