The space between you and your partner defines the energy of your relationship. Does it feel alive, as in “I can't wait to see you at the end of the day, your voice is my favorite sound, I'm so grateful to go through life with you?” Or does it feel like ”I don't feel that connected to you. You disappoint me. Things feel dead between us.” If you feel the later, the space between is not the place you most want to hang. 

In Imago Relationship Therapy we call this the Invisible Divorce. The invisible divorce robs us of aliveness and passion. Our partner, instead of feeling like a passionate friend, feels like more of a roommate, and that's not what we signed up for. So why does this happen so often to couples? Here are some reasons, and more importantly, some tools to get back to that vibrant relationship we all long for:

When criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, or contempt infiltrate how you talk to each other, your partner feels more like your enemy than your friend - and who want to sleep with the enemy? We so often speak to our partner in ways we wouldn't talk to anyone else and our brain doesn't forget the awful words that were said.

How to fix: 

There are many paths on the mountain, but they all involve speaking from the part of our brain (the adult brain) that holds our core values and our humanity, not from the "toddler brain" where we impulsively hurdle insults at our partner. 

Steven Stosny, in his book “Soar Above” gives a great exercise - write a column that describes your essence qualities - kind, compassionate, thoughtful; in the next column write all the actions that would make that manifest. Commit to practicing these actions every day, so that in the heat of the moment you're not taken over by “toddler brain." And, of course, the Imago Dialogue is such a beautiful way to create sacred space between partners.

 

Here’s the truth about marriage, or the committed relationship - your partner cannot be the ongoing fountain of support and approval; and when they are not, you need to manage.

How to fix:

Grow a strong sense of self, and self-ok-ness. This is work we all have to do. We can't expect to get it all from our partner, yet many of us do expect that.  Learn what it means to self-soothe; be able to tolerate disappointment. Understand and practice all day long how to be your own source of approval. This is what it means to become a grown-up. That way we’re ok when our partner is having a moment.

When we first meet our partner, there is the mystery, the unknown. We don't know what the future holds, we are in a heightened state of arousal - which makes for a wonderful passionate experience. As we get more committed, there is the other wonderful gift - that of familiarity, the known, reliability, predictability. All the things that make us feel safe. But predictability and mystery can live on different planets. How do we keep both? 

How to fix:

Be glad for your partner to do their own things, and take pleasure in it. You want for them what they want for themselves. Hold on to things that make you uniquely you; don't give those up to be loved by someone else. This goes with not being too needy. Be self sufficient. And a little bit selfish. Take responsibility for what turns you on, and go for it.

So, the message is: don't criticize, ever; talk from your core values; love your partner for who they are, not for who you want them to be. And be your own person. These are core things that will keep the passion alive in your relationship, and then they WILL be your passionate partner.