The old adage "whatever you focus on expands" has perhaps no more wisdom than in the realm of our intimate relationships. And since, biologically, we have a brain that is wired to look for what's wrong as a way to stay safe and alive, retraining ourselves to keep focusing on what's good about our partner can be our most transformative relationship goal for 2018. Though I'm not a huge believer in resolutions, I do believe that becoming conscious and intentional can really give us the relationship of our dreams.

Here are some specifics actions that you can take to transform your relationship for 2018:

-Create a core value, or vision statement, for your relationship . If it's not something your partner is interested in doing, you do it anyway. As they say, we can singlehandedly transform our relationship. The one my husband and I use is from Thich Nat Hanh- "Practice Kindess Whenever Possible. It Is Always Possible. It works magic, I can tell you. 

-Sit down with your partner and each of you express to the other one or two things you would love to have more of and what YOU are willing to do to make that happen. Then meet once a month and check in around it (only in a positive way).

-Make a personal commitment to contain negativity and recommit to it every day. This means criticism, irritability, voice tone etc. See if you can go cold turkey. What's revolutionary about this is that usually we are focused on our partner changing, but this requires YOU to be the change, and see the gifts that come. What we put in the space between us mattters so much. 

-Create a fun monthly challenge that you calendar out through the year. It could be a talk you have, a place you go, a sexy thing you do. Some ideas are giving each other surprises, recreating a favorite date, having a sex date, anything that feels good and fun and connecting!

-Do the "4 critical moments exercise.” You and your partner each write down what words and gestures you would like during 4 critical moments: when you first wake up, when you say goodbye, when you first see each other again, and when you say goodnight. Do this every day, and see how it adds to the feeling of ongoing connection.

All of the above are what I think of as foreplay- creating safety, connection, eliminating negativity. And at the same time, we may need to put some conscious intentionality there as well. Keeping the juicy-ness alive "in captivity" is crucial, as well as remembering that we don't have to feel like doing it to do it. Our bodies will take over, even if we don’t feel like it at the time. 

So, there may be nothing new under the sun when it comes to ideas to keep the passionate energy alive- the key is simply just to do it. So for this year, it could be having sex in a different room, making a sex date and teasing each other all day by text, scheduling a day in bed with no phones, meeting at a hotel etc. And, keep a gratitude journal about your partner, and express those things regularly - and you'll have a wonderfully loving 2018!