The desire to find our person in life is a powerful one, one could say an almost universal one. We are hard-wired for connection and the need to belong. That is why we sometimes cling to someone, even if our gut is telling us all is not well. We are willing to “make a deal with the devil,” and rationalize to avoid the pain of disconnect. So perhaps getting really clear on what qualities will make for a joyful, ongoing partnership can help us make a conscious decision at a time when our eyes might be clouded by hopes and dreams.

1) Empathy is my #1 quality of importance to look for in a partner. 

I always say to my clients, if you don't have empathy, you don't have anything. People who are not capable of empathy don't care if you are hurting. It doesn't matter to them. All that matters to them is them. They may be successful or powerful, but in the end it won't matter; you will feel betrayed and alone.

Does this mean they are empathic all the time, every minute? No because even the kindest among us have moments, have reactions. But they self regulate and come back to being the compassionate person we can count on. I know that if my husband is having a moment, that we will return to a good place - I know his heart, and I can count on it to return. This is where safety comes from in a relationship .

This means someone who speaks in non-harming ways, doesn't expect you to be the regulator of their emotions, and can self-regulate. They understand that you are a separate person with separate likes and dislikes, and they can tolerate that. They stay kind (for the most part) and supportive of you, love you for who you are, and let you know that.

An emotionally mature partner has awareness of themselves, can take ownership of their own stuff, doesn't stay defended but is open, has worked on themselves and knows how they want to be as a partner. They don't want to control you. If you find yourself walking on eggshells, feeling like you need to twist yourself to make sure your partner feels ok, that won't get better as time goes on.

Of course, we adjust to differences in how expressive we each are but being with a partner who is cold and unexpressive and not willing to work on it makes for a lonely life. Affectionate touch and loving, appreciative words are the through-line to a great relationship. It is the abundance always available to us- putting money in the bank of ongoing connection.

A sense of humor is important in life, and in our relationships. We can bring humor to our disagreements, helping to dissolve them and sharing a laugh can help during difficult times. It adds richness to our connection every day. You want to be able to play and have fun- life is hard enough! 

5) Honesty 

Honesty connects us, and if we don't have it becomes a destructive force. Honesty is not just about telling the truth; another way honesty is important is truly feeling you can be yourself in your relationship. How else can we continue to understand each other if we are not being our authentic selves.

Ultimately, keep it real, keep it kind, and choose someone you can go the distance with!

Photo image above is owned by: Online For Love